Monday, October 31, 2005

Longing For Home

It's like being homesick.
Seeing you so close.
Wanting to reach out,
to touch your hand,
to share a moment with you
But knowing I cannot

I miss your laughter.
I miss your voice.
I miss the friendship
that was so strong.

It shouldn't hurt.
It shouldn't matter.
It's been too long for it to count.

But it does.
It's like being homesick
but knowing you can never
go home.

~By Brenda Hager



in dedication to my friends in relationship problems..











Leagan,

this is a song that i think you liked...

there's always be a place in our hearts,
that we both share,
and thats our home...

i am so tired,
i really wanna go home...
engaging in these endless struggles,
everyday is just a resemblance of the day before,
a repitition of longingness of treasured memories,
a longingness for you







Putting my thoughts on the work at hand,
Reading mags and trying to sleep

Every second seems like the longest bridge
that I know I have to cross

Trying to find out where your thoughts now
are proves to be a useless task

Over me clouds roll by and grow
but someday will dissipate



Not a day goes by that I don't think about you
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you









i guess death is really a distant place to be




Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Listen To Your Heart

Listen To Your Heart

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.


Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.


Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.


And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.


Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.



Listen to your heart, mm-mmmmmm



I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.


~~DHT , Listen to your heart







for my dear friend in sorrow..

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Blower's Daughter

The Blower's Daughter
Artist: Damien Rice

And so it is,

Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me,

Most of the time
And so it is,

The shorter story
No love, no glory,

No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...


And so it is ,
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze ,
Most of the time ,



And so it is
The colder water ,

The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial,



I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...




Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?




I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...


My mind...my mind...







'Til I find somebody new






Link to MV:

mv:
http://www.warnerbrosrecords.com/damienrice/

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

~Sarah Mclachlan~Angel

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

To Shake Off the Mortal Coils

A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others.

For all those others that take sleeping pills to attract attention.
For those that wait on the roof of a skyscraper until someone notices them to call the cops.
I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power. Hamlet said it, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre considered the question.
It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable. It is a question only the strongest can face.



They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can hold a gun to their head and pull the trigger?

How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins?

How many can make the little step off a skyscraper?

How many can swallow the cyanide pill?

Small movements, a jerk of an index finger, a cut, a step, a swallow.


How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a
mysterious, scaring new existence?

How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision?

How many can question their lives?

How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use apart from procreation -and what kind of a goal is that? Fucking, as the meaning of life. A goal for rabbits, for sheep, not for humans. And yet it is good enough for most. To wait, to wait for something to come, to save them, something that does not exist, something that does not come. And so they keep on giving birth while standing on their graves, waiting like sheep.

How many can ask those questions?

How many can draw the consequences?

Those mentioned philosophers did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them. Because suicide is wrong? Because as Nietzsche stated, the philosopher has to live his thoughts and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. Whimps. Intellectual wankers, smart asses, suckers. Unworthy to have been read by me.

It is easy to live, to go on with it, to stand the treatmill. All you have to do is switch off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is nothing simpler than that.
Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say:


He could not stand the pressure his profession had put on him, he had always suffered from depression, he was suffering from a broken heart when his girlfriend left him. He could not stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He was too sensitive.

Those would be their words.



Bullshit.


And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the art, the literature and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him.

The sympathy of the deaf, dumb and blind, the braindead, the sympathy of the hens in the battery.

This is not the reason. Sure, I am bleeding all over the place, sure I am suffering from pressure, sure I have always been depressed, sure all of this is true. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life. Real life, genuine emotions.

To shake off this mortal coil,To step up to the Gods and to spit in their faces,To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone. Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil. A voluntary step into something unknown. Emptyness? Heaven? Hell?

Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case.
Imagine:


To stand on top of the highest cliff.
To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
The beauty of the abyss.
The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
Looking down into oblivion and voidness.
The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away. Standing there.
Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

To draw the final breath,
To make that little step,
To know, that for once a decision was made,
To feel one foot above the abyss,
To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,
To feel losing balance,
To fall,
To gain speed,
To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
To see the ground coming closer,
To scream in orgiastic excitement,
To know what you have done,
To know that you have done something for once.


Maybe even:
To doubt,
To regret,
To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
Mercilessly
To fly into annihilation,
To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,
Than the whole life of most other people.
More true, essential, focused, divine.
Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.
Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.
A worthy payment for endless agony
No more endless, unbearable pain.

No more routine.
No more repetition.
No more


-- Peace.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
To give in to the tiredness.
To fall asleep.
To find solace.
No more agony.
To end.
The end.


~~author unknown

more onhttp://suez-cide.tripod.com/

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Nothing's left fighting for,
except wanting you to know who I am

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Maude Fealy


Maude Fealy
(1883-1971)
Biographical Notes: Maude Fealy was born Maude Hawk in Memphis, Tennessee on March 3, 1881 (one account says March 4, 1883), the daughter of Margaret Fealy (1866-1955), a stage and film actress who conducted an acting school at the time, and who later was in charge of the Tabor School of Acting in Denver, Colorado. At one time, Maude's mother was married to orchestra leader Rafaello Cavallo, who became Miss Fealy's stepfather.

Stage Appearances: At the age of three Maude made her first appearance on the stage, taking the part of an angel in an adaptation of Faust and Marguerite, in which her mother played Marguerite. When she was five years old, she took the part of little Willie in the great melodrama, East Lynne, and was also seen in the role of Meenie in Rip Van Winkle.
In 1906 she signed a five-year contract with John Cort, under whom her first appearance was in The Illusion of Beatrice, a comedy by Martha Morton. In 1907 Maude Fealy began the season in the role of Ernestine in The Truth Tellers, another play by Martha Morton, and ended it co-starring with William Collier in On the Quiet. By this time she was well known as an actress and was featured on magazine covers and other publicity. In 1907 and 1908 she was seen the leading role in The Stronger Sex, a play by John Valentine, which toured Western America and Canada. Another play, The Right Princess, staged by Maude Fealy and her husband, drew many enthusiastic reviews during the 1911-1912 season.

Wedding Bells: In 1901 the story made the rounds that Maude Fealy was engaged to be married in William Gillette, with whom she was acting on the English stage, and the story was printed in so many papers that her mother cabled denials to leading press agencies in the United States and England. The union never took place.

On July 15, 1907 Maude Fealy was secretly married to Lewis Hugo Sherwin, a young Englishman who was dramatic critic for the Denver Republican. The couple, fearful of what Maude's mother might say if she learned of the situation, lived apart for the first two weeks. Then, for a brief time, the newlyweds were together at her parents' home at 826 East Colfax Street in Denver. Maude's mother did not approve of the match, and referred to her new son-in-law as a "nobody." She did her best to split the couple apart. Her stepfather, Rafaello Cavallo, likewise viewed the union with disfavor and was quoted as saying that Sherwin did not earn enough money to keep Miss Fealy provided with gloves, or, for that matter, to buy his own cigars and pay his laundry bills.

Not surprisingly, a rift developed between Maude and her husband when her mother, stating that Maude was not ready for such a marriage, forced her husband to agree to live separately for a year, after which he moved to the East. Miss Fealy subsequently filed for divorce, giving desertion and non-support as the reason. The decree was granted on Saturday, September 25, 1909.

In Washington, D.C., on November 28, 1909 (one account says October 31, 1909), Maude Fealy married an actor who played juvenile leads with Keith's stock company, James Peter Durkin. Her new mate apparently won his mother-in-law's approval, for an article datelined St. Paul, Minnesota, December 15, 1909, and printed in The Kansas City Post, quoted him as saying: "I can assure you that the marriage took place with the entire approval of Maude's mother. We would never have been married without her sanction. We were married in Washington, we don't care to say where, when, or by whom. Marriage is too sacred to be talked about publicly."
Using Maude's financial resources, the couple later formed the Fealy-Durkin stock company, which performed plays in Denver and elsewhere. Sacred or otherwise, the Fealy-Durkin marriage ended in divorce in Denver on June 18, 1917. Subsequently, Maude Fealy made a third and final trip to the altar, to wed James E. Cort. The marriage ended in an annulment in 1923.
With Thanhouser: Maude Fealy appeared in several Thanhouser films in 1911 and 1912, and worked at the New Rochelle studio between stage engagements. She played occasional parts at the time and was not featured in Thanhouser publicity releases or advertisements.
In April 1913, following stage appearances in the road show of The Right Princess, she signed a three-year contract with
Charles J. Hite to appear in Thanhouser films. She came to New Rochelle and spent seven weeks with the production company for the film, King Ren?s Daughter. Her husband, James Durkin, accompanied her and also secured a position with Thanhouser. Parts of June, July, and August were spent back in Denver, where she was on stage at the Lakeside Theatre at Elitch's Gardens.

Following the stage shows, Miss Fealy and her husband were scheduled to go back to New Rochelle. From there, she would "join the Thanhouser Company on an expedition to Nova Scotia, where Evangeline will be given a most elaborate production in the original locale of Longfellow's immortal book among 'the murmuring pines and hemlocks' of 'the forest primeval,'" according to a news item.

Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale and Tennyson's Elaine were also said to be scheduled. Although The Winter's Tale had been produced by Thanhouser in 1910, no 1913 version was ever made, nor did the New Rochelle firm ever release films under the titles of Evangeline or Elaine.

A New Rochelle city directory noted that Maude Fealy lived at Beacon Hall, an apartment building adjacent to the Thanhouser studios, in 1913. In 1914 Maude Fealy is not listed, but there is a listing for an Ellen Fealy at 150 Main Street. The New Rochelle Pioneer, October 10, 1914, described her home: "In private life she is Mrs. James Durkin, wife of a Thanhouser director, with whom she scored triumphs in stock on the legitimate stage, and their home is at Home Park, where, with her pets and plants, her art and books, she manages to find life anything but unpleasant. Miss Fealy is now taking a well earned rest from the screen, but those who have seen her work in the past know that there are other triumphs awaiting her."
She was treated with a queenly respect in Thanhouser publicity and in the trade press 1913-1914, due to her great renown on the stage earlier. Thanhouser films in which she played included Moths, The Legend of Provence, and Frou Frou. She also wrote several scenarios for Thanhouser films. Maude Fealy remained with Thanhouser through middle of summer 1914.
Her Career After Thanhouser: Variety, July 10, 1914, carried this item: "The withdrawal of James Durkin, director, and Maude Fealy, leading woman, from the ranks of the Thanhouser Film Co. comes as a big surprise to the movie world. Mr. Durkin and Miss Fealy are not deserting the pictures, but will, very likely, branch out with a new company of their own, featuring Miss Fealy. Ralph Cummings is slated as Durkin's successor with the Thanhouser." After leaving the Thanhouser Film Corporation, Miss Fealy went to Detroit, where she joined the Washington Theatre stock company, with whom she was seen on stage in August.
The Moving Picture World, October 16, 1915, stated that for Knickerbocker Star Features, Miss Fealy would appear in The Girl from Tim's Place, and, in blithe disregard for the facts, went on to inform readers: "Miss Fealy is a well-known figure with the legitimate stage, and The Girl from Tim's Place marks her initial appearance before the moving picture public."
In early 1916 she was a headliner on stage at Proctor's Theatre in Mount Vernon, New York, in a playlet, When the Tide Turned. Miss Fealy appeared in The Immortal Flame, released by Ivan Film in March 1916, possibly the film that was being produced at the Path?studios as described above. In December 1916 she joined the Jesse Lasky Picture Company to star with Theodore Roberts in a feature film for the Paramount program. She remained with Lasky in 1917.

The October 1916 Motion Picture News Studio Directory noted that Miss Fealy was 5'1" tall, weighed 110 pounds, and had brown hair and dark blue eyes. At the time she lived at 206 West 52nd Street, New York City, and her pastime diversions included swimming and writing. She spoke German and French in addition to her native language.

By early June 1917, Maude Fealy assembled a company of stage players for work on the stage at the Lakeside Theatre in Denver, where such productions as Sauce for the Goose, Her Own Money, Baby Mine, and a four-act play from her own pen, Shadow Lights, were staged. On September 1, 1918, The Little Teacher, a comedy drama, opened at the Grand Theatre in Kansas City, with Miss Fealy as the star. Later, the production traveled to the West Coast. In the 1920s she was on stage in numerous plays, including the 1928 Chicago productions at the National Theatre of Dancing Mothers and Madame X.

In the 1930s she was involved in the Los Angeles Federal Theatre Project, where she became the center of a bitter controversy (the nature of which was not disclosed in articles preserved in the Robinson Locke Collection and consulted for the present biography) and was demoted to a job in the sewing division of the Works Progress Administration. During the same decade she was seen in such films as Laugh and Get Rich, The Buccaneer, and Southern Pacific. In the early 1940s, Maude Fealy returned to Denver, where she taught dramatics. Later, she moved to California and opened a dramatic studio in Hollywood. Among her students were Edwina Booth and Nanette Fabray. In 1954 her stepfather retired. He was hospitalized in Pueblo, Colorado, and later died after a prolonged illness. Her mother passed away in 1955.

Maude Fealy remained in films for many years and had parts in many Cecil B. DeMille pictures during the sound era, including the 1956 release of The Ten Commandments, for which she also provided voices which were dubbed in the sound track for other players. She and DeMille were fast friends, having met years earlier shortly after the actress' first engagement at the Lakeside Theatre in Denver, where Fealy and DeMille engaged in a swordfight in a play, Dorothy Vernon of Haddon Hall. In 1957, she came back to Denver to retire, but it was not long until she was on the stage again in Colorado, also giving a lecture series at Loretto Heights College. She last appeared in a dramatic role on stage in 1961, in a production which concerned the life of Emily Griffith, a well-known Denver educator. In the same year, she told a reporter: "Actors never give up acting; it gives them up." At one time in the 1960s she lived in Denver at the Paramount Apartments at 30 East 14th Avenue.

Maude Fealy died in her sleep on November 9, 1971 in Woodland Hills, California. Prior to her passing, she had been hospitalized with arteriosclerosis at the Motion Picture Country House and Hospital. Funeral services were held at 11:30 a.m., November 12th, at Pierce's Hollywood Chapel, 5959 Santa Monica Boulevard, Hollywood. She was interred in the Hollywood Memorial Park Cemetery Mausoleum, close by her mother's remains. The expenses were provided for by a provision in the will of Cecil B. DeMille (who had died in 1959). No close relatives survived her.

Cleo de Merode




Cléo de Merode
1873-1966
Biarritz, France



One of the greatest Parisian beauties, of authentic Austrian nobility, Cleopatra Diane de Mérode was born in Paris, 1873, of Austrian parents. Her father was Karl Freiherr von Merode (1853-1909), living in Mödling (near Vienna) as a distinguished painter of landscapes. This being so, the painter was an offspring of a famous Belgian noble family (de Mérode). Cleo entered the Opera School of Dance at the age of eight and began to dance professionally at the age of eleven. She was a very small girl and because of her size and her great abilities in ballet, at the age of thirteen, she was picked to dance in one of the most prestigious ballets in all of Paris, the "Choryhée. She chose to wear a new hairstyle for this ballet. Parisians fell in love with her new "do" and she became legendary for it.



In 1896, at the age of 23, she was picked to dance as "Phrynee" in the Ballet of the Opera of Bordeaux and it was there she caught the eye of Leopold II, King of Belgium. The Belgian King was negotiating, with the French government, joint colonial interests in Africa against Great Britain. As these negotiations were secret, he needed some excuse. It was known that he admired the ballerina Cléopatre, so he feigned a visit to her as the reason for his Paris trip. She received a bouquet of red roses.


It didn't take long for the King's admiration of her to spread among the Parisians. Cleo de Merode became the joke of Paris and the king was dubbed "Cleopold". While Léopold was not unhappy with the new title, being eager for the Parisian sensations, Cleo de Merode protested. The alleged "affair" of Leopold with Cleo was despiteful, so much, that Cleo went to court to have it be officially stated that there was no such affair, only a gift of a bouquet of roses. Unfortunately, the rumor of the favorite royal remained attached to her name for the rest of her life. Embarrassed and outraged, she left Paris, but continued to dance internationally in Hamburg, Berlin, St. Petersburg, Budapest, and New York. She was the first female to dance with a male dance partner in the Russian Ballet. Finally in 1915, at the age of 42, Cleo de Merode returned to Paris. She received many offers to dance again, but with the Comic Opera. This was considered the bottom of the dance chain in Paris. Embarrassed and outraged, she left immediately, moving to her place of birth, Biarritz, and never returning to Paris again. But she did not stop dancing. She continued to perform, through the Red Cross, for the wounded troops of World War I, wishing to uplift the spirits of those who defended her country. She remained in Biarritz, her hometown, until her death in 1966. Although Cleo de Mérode was never able to live down the rumors of the past, she remains, today, one of the most beautiful and talented women in the world.

Maude Fealy Posted by Picasa

Maud fealy Posted by Picasa

Maude Fealy Posted by Picasa