Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Fate

Leagan,

is this fate? fate that we saw each other till the very end?

perhaps it is...perhaps its not


your eyes stared...and you said hello...

just like that day i loved you so.........


but leagan, that day is the end of everything,

everything that reminds me of you...

Sunday, April 09, 2006


"Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

Stand in the line just ahead of the law
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out Wrong
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that Strong
Well I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day"
~~Bad Day, Daniel Powter















Monday, April 03, 2006

"What I thought wasn't mine
In the light
Was a one of a kind
A precious pearl

When I wanted to cry
I couldn't 'cause I
Wasn't allowed

Gomenasai
For everything
Gomenasai
I know I let you down
Gomenasai 'til the end
I never needed a friend like I do now

What I thought wasn't all
So innocent
Was a delicate doll
Of porcelain

When I wanted to call you
And ask you for help
I stopped myself

Gomenasai
For everything
Gomenasai
I know I let you down
Gomenasai 'til the end
I never needed a friend like I do now

What I thought was a dream
A mirage
Was as real as it seemed
A privilege
When I wanted to tell you
I made a mistake
I walked away

Gomenasai
For everything
Gomenasai
Gomenasai
Gomenasai
I never needed a friend
Like I do now

Gomenasai
I let you down
Gomenasai
Gomenasai
Gomenasai 'til the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now"


~~Tatu, Gomenasai (2006)


Gomenasai means "sorry" in Japanese







Reminds me of this flim, Love Story (1970)

"Told as a flashback, this is an uncomplicated love story between two star-crossed lovers-students, Harvard pre-law hockey player Oliver Barrett IV (Ryan O'Neal) and Radcliffe music student Jenny Cavilleri (Ali MacGraw). Oliver narrates the opening line of the film, looking back:

What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant? That she loved Mozart and Bach, the Beatles, and me?


Their love triumphs over different economic-class backgrounds (he is a "preppie millionaire," she a smart-mouthed "social zero" from a blue-collar Italian/American family). Their main obstacle to romance is that his rich, powerful and snobbish father, Oliver Barrett III (Ray Milland) objects and threatens to cut off funding: "Oliver, if you marry her now, I'll not give you the time of day." To which the younger, bull-headed Oliver defiantly asks: "What offends you more, Father, that she's Catholic, or poor?" He ultimately responds: "Father, you don't know the time of day." The two young lovers marry anyway and first move into a small apartment in Cambridge before Oliver is hired by a New York law firm and they move to the city.

The film's two most touching and remembered scenes are their prolonged kissing scene and the montage of the couple tossing snowballs at each other. After meeting many obstacles and making sacrifices, she is diagnosed as terminally ill when she is tested for pregnancy, and dies in his arms at the hospital in a tear-inducing closing. She makes a last request of him: "You, after all - you're going to be a merry widower." "I won't be merry," he responds. She replies: "Yes, you will be. I want you to be merry. You'll be merry, okay?"


In the final scene, Oliver quotes his late wife, when speaking to his father about their past misunderstandings. After his father tells him he's sorry that she has died, Oliver responds in the last memorable line of the film, quoting an earlier remark of Jenny's:


Love means never having to say you're sorry.

He then walks out into a snowy Central Park to contemplate what life might have been in a touching finale, as the award-winning musical score builds in the background. "




a few words of a sentence,
so short, yet so meaningful



"Love means never having to say you're sorry"
~Love Story (1970)

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

"I think Alice would say that, Love is the only place where you can escape a world of lies. If your love world is adequate, you can continue in a world of lies, in spite of it all. This love world (bubble) was sacrosanct. Dan by this question was dragging "another world" into this pure world. He was violating the silent rule that she lived by. Whether she did or did not sleep with Larry wasn't important. What mattered was Dan pushed the limit. Dan was threatening her by dragging the world of lies into their relationship. He did it now,and he would do it again. When she knew that it wasn't just a momentary thing but would become part of the fabric of the relationship, her love world collapsed. No revenge, he was now, in that moment, just part of the world of lies that she was continually trying to distance herself from. ...

She never "loved" him. She found in him a partner in a little world separate from the ugly world. It was all about living a lie. Her position on the “Lie” comes out in several places: How the book “about her” doesn’t include the truth, at the exhibition when she points out how artists are liars, and to Larry, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her cloths off.” She accepts lying as a fundamental condition of reality. She did trust him, and would have "loved him forever", if he didn't commit the infidelity of dragging the ugly world of the black lie into the beautiful world of their white lie - which she called love (i.e. their relationship). That is when she stopped trusting him. He wouldn't play pretend anymore. That was the end. It has nothing to do with "love". It had to do with a mutual agreement to live on in a lie together."

Sunday, March 19, 2006

"Every argument is a selection of ideas and information" (all arguments are biased)


"Logical is not realistic; logical is convincing"


~~X.L.Ding, in class

Thursday, March 16, 2006

"...
So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn...."
~Natalie Imbrglia, Torn





i guess i don't have the luck afterall....



Tuesday, February 28, 2006

i am so sorry..
can u please forgive me?

i just want you to be happy....




it must be the little things that i've said,
that makes you sad...

i am so sorry..

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

They mentioned her name
and they awaken in me
all my torn wounds
that never healed

The most beautiful name
my ears ever heard
I just can't chase away
her picture from my mind

She is there sitting
smiling at me with wondrous eyes
asking me the same
question over and over
what is it that you want ?


And I have my lifetime
to understand what I wanted
what did I want ?
what was I looking for ?

Whatever I was looking for
or I wanted is surely not
to be lost in her love
so silently in pain
for the rest of my life

But here I am still
seeing her picture in my mind
and trying to understand that questioning smile of hers
the most cherished memory of
love I ever had of her ..
is that questioning smile


Some gets away with kisses
some gets away with holding the one they loved
and I guess I got away
with her wondrous lovely smile to
stay with me the rest of my lifetime
~By aurumium




leagan ,

i haven't spoken to you for months...


how are u? i wonder.

a feeling of having never left you, persisted
like the scent of bulgarian rose,



strong, intense, while attractive and adorable
and a remembrance of a beauty that once so true



and so soon,
the tranquility started to fall apart
tried to put back bits and pieces,
but to no avail; the end has started


then the darkness came.
the hollowness of an empty picture frame

reembles with a fragrance of emptiness ,
the loneliness, the feeling of longing for a name



how are you... i wonder




back then, i wanted to proof that i have a chance to win

tonight, i only want to show you who i really am

Saturday, January 07, 2006

indulged in lost causes...
living in a shattered dreams..
Goodbye, my dear..
its just a small departure.
of a period of eternity

I know its losing,
but never know it's lost






One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
guess I'm down...
To my last cry...
~Brian Mcknight, One Last Cry

Sunday, January 01, 2006

drunk...and I intend getting still drunker

RHETT: I'm very drunk and I intend getting still drunker
before the evening's over. But you're not going to bed. Not
yet. Sit down. So she stood by you, did she? How does it
feel to have the woman you've wronged "cloak your sins
for you? You're wondering if she knows all about you and
Ashley. You're wondering if she did it just to save her face.
You're thinking that she's a fool for doing it even if it did
save your hide but...

SCARLETT: I will not listen.

RHETT: Yes, you'll listen. Miss Melanie's a fool, but not
the kind you think. It's just that's there's too much honor
at her to ever conceive of dishonor in anyone she loves.
And she loves you. Though just why she does, I'm sure I
don't know.

~~Gone with the wind(1939)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Caesarion

Partly to verify an era,
partly also to pass the time,
last night I picked up a collection
of Ptolemaic epigrams to read.
The plentiful praises and flatteries
for everyone are similar. They are all brilliant,
glorious, mighty, beneficent;
each of their enterprises the wisest.
If you talk of the women of that breed, they too,
all the Berenices and Cleopatras are admirable.

When I had managed to verify the era
I would have put the book away, had not a small
and insignificant mention of king Caesarion
immediately attracted my attention.....

Behold, you came with your vague
charm. In history only a few
lines are found about you,
and so I molded you more freely in my mind.
I molded you handsome and sentimental.
My art gives to your facea dreamy compassionate beauty.
And so fully did I envision you,
that late last night, as my lamp
was going out -- I let go out on purpose --
I fancied that you entered my room,
it seemed that you stood before me; as you might have been
in vanquished Alexandria,
pale and tired, idealistic in your sorrow,
still hoping that they would pity you,
the wicked -- who whispered "Too many Caesars."

Constantine P. Cavafy (1918)

Sunday, December 04, 2005

"It is a mistake to believe that a science consists in nothing but conclusively proved propositions, and it is unjust to demand that it should. It is a demand only made by those who feel a craving for authority in some form and a need to replace the religious catechism by something else, even if it be a scientific one. Science in its catechism has but few apodictic precepts; it consists mainly of statements which it has developed to varying degrees of probability. The capacity to be content with these approximations to certainty and the ability to carry on constructive work despite the lack of final confirmation are actually a mark of the scientific habit of mind."

~~Freud

Saturday, December 03, 2005

No matter how long it takes,
I will do it...
This is only a small step of
a long, long journey..











"The error term in regression is just a measure of our ignorance of this world"
~S.F.Leung(2005)

Monday, November 21, 2005

time series analysis:

trying to make sense of a world that doesn't make sense

Monday, November 14, 2005

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place (that) you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

Monday, October 31, 2005

Longing For Home

It's like being homesick.
Seeing you so close.
Wanting to reach out,
to touch your hand,
to share a moment with you
But knowing I cannot

I miss your laughter.
I miss your voice.
I miss the friendship
that was so strong.

It shouldn't hurt.
It shouldn't matter.
It's been too long for it to count.

But it does.
It's like being homesick
but knowing you can never
go home.

~By Brenda Hager



in dedication to my friends in relationship problems..











Leagan,

this is a song that i think you liked...

there's always be a place in our hearts,
that we both share,
and thats our home...

i am so tired,
i really wanna go home...
engaging in these endless struggles,
everyday is just a resemblance of the day before,
a repitition of longingness of treasured memories,
a longingness for you







Putting my thoughts on the work at hand,
Reading mags and trying to sleep

Every second seems like the longest bridge
that I know I have to cross

Trying to find out where your thoughts now
are proves to be a useless task

Over me clouds roll by and grow
but someday will dissipate



Not a day goes by that I don't think about you
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you









i guess death is really a distant place to be




Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Listen To Your Heart

Listen To Your Heart

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.


Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.


Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.


And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.


Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.



Listen to your heart, mm-mmmmmm



I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.


~~DHT , Listen to your heart







for my dear friend in sorrow..

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Blower's Daughter

The Blower's Daughter
Artist: Damien Rice

And so it is,

Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me,

Most of the time
And so it is,

The shorter story
No love, no glory,

No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...


And so it is ,
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze ,
Most of the time ,



And so it is
The colder water ,

The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial,



I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...




Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?




I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...


My mind...my mind...







'Til I find somebody new






Link to MV:

mv:
http://www.warnerbrosrecords.com/damienrice/

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

~Sarah Mclachlan~Angel

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

To Shake Off the Mortal Coils

A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others.

For all those others that take sleeping pills to attract attention.
For those that wait on the roof of a skyscraper until someone notices them to call the cops.
I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power. Hamlet said it, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre considered the question.
It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable. It is a question only the strongest can face.



They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can hold a gun to their head and pull the trigger?

How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins?

How many can make the little step off a skyscraper?

How many can swallow the cyanide pill?

Small movements, a jerk of an index finger, a cut, a step, a swallow.


How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a
mysterious, scaring new existence?

How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision?

How many can question their lives?

How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use apart from procreation -and what kind of a goal is that? Fucking, as the meaning of life. A goal for rabbits, for sheep, not for humans. And yet it is good enough for most. To wait, to wait for something to come, to save them, something that does not exist, something that does not come. And so they keep on giving birth while standing on their graves, waiting like sheep.

How many can ask those questions?

How many can draw the consequences?

Those mentioned philosophers did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them. Because suicide is wrong? Because as Nietzsche stated, the philosopher has to live his thoughts and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. Whimps. Intellectual wankers, smart asses, suckers. Unworthy to have been read by me.

It is easy to live, to go on with it, to stand the treatmill. All you have to do is switch off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is nothing simpler than that.
Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say:


He could not stand the pressure his profession had put on him, he had always suffered from depression, he was suffering from a broken heart when his girlfriend left him. He could not stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He was too sensitive.

Those would be their words.



Bullshit.


And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the art, the literature and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him.

The sympathy of the deaf, dumb and blind, the braindead, the sympathy of the hens in the battery.

This is not the reason. Sure, I am bleeding all over the place, sure I am suffering from pressure, sure I have always been depressed, sure all of this is true. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life. Real life, genuine emotions.

To shake off this mortal coil,To step up to the Gods and to spit in their faces,To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone. Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil. A voluntary step into something unknown. Emptyness? Heaven? Hell?

Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case.
Imagine:


To stand on top of the highest cliff.
To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
The beauty of the abyss.
The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
Looking down into oblivion and voidness.
The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away. Standing there.
Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

To draw the final breath,
To make that little step,
To know, that for once a decision was made,
To feel one foot above the abyss,
To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,
To feel losing balance,
To fall,
To gain speed,
To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
To see the ground coming closer,
To scream in orgiastic excitement,
To know what you have done,
To know that you have done something for once.


Maybe even:
To doubt,
To regret,
To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
Mercilessly
To fly into annihilation,
To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,
Than the whole life of most other people.
More true, essential, focused, divine.
Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.
Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.
A worthy payment for endless agony
No more endless, unbearable pain.

No more routine.
No more repetition.
No more


-- Peace.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
To give in to the tiredness.
To fall asleep.
To find solace.
No more agony.
To end.
The end.


~~author unknown

more onhttp://suez-cide.tripod.com/

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Nothing's left fighting for,
except wanting you to know who I am

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Maude Fealy


Maude Fealy
(1883-1971)
Biographical Notes: Maude Fealy was born Maude Hawk in Memphis, Tennessee on March 3, 1881 (one account says March 4, 1883), the daughter of Margaret Fealy (1866-1955), a stage and film actress who conducted an acting school at the time, and who later was in charge of the Tabor School of Acting in Denver, Colorado. At one time, Maude's mother was married to orchestra leader Rafaello Cavallo, who became Miss Fealy's stepfather.

Stage Appearances: At the age of three Maude made her first appearance on the stage, taking the part of an angel in an adaptation of Faust and Marguerite, in which her mother played Marguerite. When she was five years old, she took the part of little Willie in the great melodrama, East Lynne, and was also seen in the role of Meenie in Rip Van Winkle.
In 1906 she signed a five-year contract with John Cort, under whom her first appearance was in The Illusion of Beatrice, a comedy by Martha Morton. In 1907 Maude Fealy began the season in the role of Ernestine in The Truth Tellers, another play by Martha Morton, and ended it co-starring with William Collier in On the Quiet. By this time she was well known as an actress and was featured on magazine covers and other publicity. In 1907 and 1908 she was seen the leading role in The Stronger Sex, a play by John Valentine, which toured Western America and Canada. Another play, The Right Princess, staged by Maude Fealy and her husband, drew many enthusiastic reviews during the 1911-1912 season.

Wedding Bells: In 1901 the story made the rounds that Maude Fealy was engaged to be married in William Gillette, with whom she was acting on the English stage, and the story was printed in so many papers that her mother cabled denials to leading press agencies in the United States and England. The union never took place.

On July 15, 1907 Maude Fealy was secretly married to Lewis Hugo Sherwin, a young Englishman who was dramatic critic for the Denver Republican. The couple, fearful of what Maude's mother might say if she learned of the situation, lived apart for the first two weeks. Then, for a brief time, the newlyweds were together at her parents' home at 826 East Colfax Street in Denver. Maude's mother did not approve of the match, and referred to her new son-in-law as a "nobody." She did her best to split the couple apart. Her stepfather, Rafaello Cavallo, likewise viewed the union with disfavor and was quoted as saying that Sherwin did not earn enough money to keep Miss Fealy provided with gloves, or, for that matter, to buy his own cigars and pay his laundry bills.

Not surprisingly, a rift developed between Maude and her husband when her mother, stating that Maude was not ready for such a marriage, forced her husband to agree to live separately for a year, after which he moved to the East. Miss Fealy subsequently filed for divorce, giving desertion and non-support as the reason. The decree was granted on Saturday, September 25, 1909.

In Washington, D.C., on November 28, 1909 (one account says October 31, 1909), Maude Fealy married an actor who played juvenile leads with Keith's stock company, James Peter Durkin. Her new mate apparently won his mother-in-law's approval, for an article datelined St. Paul, Minnesota, December 15, 1909, and printed in The Kansas City Post, quoted him as saying: "I can assure you that the marriage took place with the entire approval of Maude's mother. We would never have been married without her sanction. We were married in Washington, we don't care to say where, when, or by whom. Marriage is too sacred to be talked about publicly."
Using Maude's financial resources, the couple later formed the Fealy-Durkin stock company, which performed plays in Denver and elsewhere. Sacred or otherwise, the Fealy-Durkin marriage ended in divorce in Denver on June 18, 1917. Subsequently, Maude Fealy made a third and final trip to the altar, to wed James E. Cort. The marriage ended in an annulment in 1923.
With Thanhouser: Maude Fealy appeared in several Thanhouser films in 1911 and 1912, and worked at the New Rochelle studio between stage engagements. She played occasional parts at the time and was not featured in Thanhouser publicity releases or advertisements.
In April 1913, following stage appearances in the road show of The Right Princess, she signed a three-year contract with
Charles J. Hite to appear in Thanhouser films. She came to New Rochelle and spent seven weeks with the production company for the film, King Ren?s Daughter. Her husband, James Durkin, accompanied her and also secured a position with Thanhouser. Parts of June, July, and August were spent back in Denver, where she was on stage at the Lakeside Theatre at Elitch's Gardens.

Following the stage shows, Miss Fealy and her husband were scheduled to go back to New Rochelle. From there, she would "join the Thanhouser Company on an expedition to Nova Scotia, where Evangeline will be given a most elaborate production in the original locale of Longfellow's immortal book among 'the murmuring pines and hemlocks' of 'the forest primeval,'" according to a news item.

Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale and Tennyson's Elaine were also said to be scheduled. Although The Winter's Tale had been produced by Thanhouser in 1910, no 1913 version was ever made, nor did the New Rochelle firm ever release films under the titles of Evangeline or Elaine.

A New Rochelle city directory noted that Maude Fealy lived at Beacon Hall, an apartment building adjacent to the Thanhouser studios, in 1913. In 1914 Maude Fealy is not listed, but there is a listing for an Ellen Fealy at 150 Main Street. The New Rochelle Pioneer, October 10, 1914, described her home: "In private life she is Mrs. James Durkin, wife of a Thanhouser director, with whom she scored triumphs in stock on the legitimate stage, and their home is at Home Park, where, with her pets and plants, her art and books, she manages to find life anything but unpleasant. Miss Fealy is now taking a well earned rest from the screen, but those who have seen her work in the past know that there are other triumphs awaiting her."
She was treated with a queenly respect in Thanhouser publicity and in the trade press 1913-1914, due to her great renown on the stage earlier. Thanhouser films in which she played included Moths, The Legend of Provence, and Frou Frou. She also wrote several scenarios for Thanhouser films. Maude Fealy remained with Thanhouser through middle of summer 1914.
Her Career After Thanhouser: Variety, July 10, 1914, carried this item: "The withdrawal of James Durkin, director, and Maude Fealy, leading woman, from the ranks of the Thanhouser Film Co. comes as a big surprise to the movie world. Mr. Durkin and Miss Fealy are not deserting the pictures, but will, very likely, branch out with a new company of their own, featuring Miss Fealy. Ralph Cummings is slated as Durkin's successor with the Thanhouser." After leaving the Thanhouser Film Corporation, Miss Fealy went to Detroit, where she joined the Washington Theatre stock company, with whom she was seen on stage in August.
The Moving Picture World, October 16, 1915, stated that for Knickerbocker Star Features, Miss Fealy would appear in The Girl from Tim's Place, and, in blithe disregard for the facts, went on to inform readers: "Miss Fealy is a well-known figure with the legitimate stage, and The Girl from Tim's Place marks her initial appearance before the moving picture public."
In early 1916 she was a headliner on stage at Proctor's Theatre in Mount Vernon, New York, in a playlet, When the Tide Turned. Miss Fealy appeared in The Immortal Flame, released by Ivan Film in March 1916, possibly the film that was being produced at the Path?studios as described above. In December 1916 she joined the Jesse Lasky Picture Company to star with Theodore Roberts in a feature film for the Paramount program. She remained with Lasky in 1917.

The October 1916 Motion Picture News Studio Directory noted that Miss Fealy was 5'1" tall, weighed 110 pounds, and had brown hair and dark blue eyes. At the time she lived at 206 West 52nd Street, New York City, and her pastime diversions included swimming and writing. She spoke German and French in addition to her native language.

By early June 1917, Maude Fealy assembled a company of stage players for work on the stage at the Lakeside Theatre in Denver, where such productions as Sauce for the Goose, Her Own Money, Baby Mine, and a four-act play from her own pen, Shadow Lights, were staged. On September 1, 1918, The Little Teacher, a comedy drama, opened at the Grand Theatre in Kansas City, with Miss Fealy as the star. Later, the production traveled to the West Coast. In the 1920s she was on stage in numerous plays, including the 1928 Chicago productions at the National Theatre of Dancing Mothers and Madame X.

In the 1930s she was involved in the Los Angeles Federal Theatre Project, where she became the center of a bitter controversy (the nature of which was not disclosed in articles preserved in the Robinson Locke Collection and consulted for the present biography) and was demoted to a job in the sewing division of the Works Progress Administration. During the same decade she was seen in such films as Laugh and Get Rich, The Buccaneer, and Southern Pacific. In the early 1940s, Maude Fealy returned to Denver, where she taught dramatics. Later, she moved to California and opened a dramatic studio in Hollywood. Among her students were Edwina Booth and Nanette Fabray. In 1954 her stepfather retired. He was hospitalized in Pueblo, Colorado, and later died after a prolonged illness. Her mother passed away in 1955.

Maude Fealy remained in films for many years and had parts in many Cecil B. DeMille pictures during the sound era, including the 1956 release of The Ten Commandments, for which she also provided voices which were dubbed in the sound track for other players. She and DeMille were fast friends, having met years earlier shortly after the actress' first engagement at the Lakeside Theatre in Denver, where Fealy and DeMille engaged in a swordfight in a play, Dorothy Vernon of Haddon Hall. In 1957, she came back to Denver to retire, but it was not long until she was on the stage again in Colorado, also giving a lecture series at Loretto Heights College. She last appeared in a dramatic role on stage in 1961, in a production which concerned the life of Emily Griffith, a well-known Denver educator. In the same year, she told a reporter: "Actors never give up acting; it gives them up." At one time in the 1960s she lived in Denver at the Paramount Apartments at 30 East 14th Avenue.

Maude Fealy died in her sleep on November 9, 1971 in Woodland Hills, California. Prior to her passing, she had been hospitalized with arteriosclerosis at the Motion Picture Country House and Hospital. Funeral services were held at 11:30 a.m., November 12th, at Pierce's Hollywood Chapel, 5959 Santa Monica Boulevard, Hollywood. She was interred in the Hollywood Memorial Park Cemetery Mausoleum, close by her mother's remains. The expenses were provided for by a provision in the will of Cecil B. DeMille (who had died in 1959). No close relatives survived her.

Cleo de Merode




Cléo de Merode
1873-1966
Biarritz, France



One of the greatest Parisian beauties, of authentic Austrian nobility, Cleopatra Diane de Mérode was born in Paris, 1873, of Austrian parents. Her father was Karl Freiherr von Merode (1853-1909), living in Mödling (near Vienna) as a distinguished painter of landscapes. This being so, the painter was an offspring of a famous Belgian noble family (de Mérode). Cleo entered the Opera School of Dance at the age of eight and began to dance professionally at the age of eleven. She was a very small girl and because of her size and her great abilities in ballet, at the age of thirteen, she was picked to dance in one of the most prestigious ballets in all of Paris, the "Choryhée. She chose to wear a new hairstyle for this ballet. Parisians fell in love with her new "do" and she became legendary for it.



In 1896, at the age of 23, she was picked to dance as "Phrynee" in the Ballet of the Opera of Bordeaux and it was there she caught the eye of Leopold II, King of Belgium. The Belgian King was negotiating, with the French government, joint colonial interests in Africa against Great Britain. As these negotiations were secret, he needed some excuse. It was known that he admired the ballerina Cléopatre, so he feigned a visit to her as the reason for his Paris trip. She received a bouquet of red roses.


It didn't take long for the King's admiration of her to spread among the Parisians. Cleo de Merode became the joke of Paris and the king was dubbed "Cleopold". While Léopold was not unhappy with the new title, being eager for the Parisian sensations, Cleo de Merode protested. The alleged "affair" of Leopold with Cleo was despiteful, so much, that Cleo went to court to have it be officially stated that there was no such affair, only a gift of a bouquet of roses. Unfortunately, the rumor of the favorite royal remained attached to her name for the rest of her life. Embarrassed and outraged, she left Paris, but continued to dance internationally in Hamburg, Berlin, St. Petersburg, Budapest, and New York. She was the first female to dance with a male dance partner in the Russian Ballet. Finally in 1915, at the age of 42, Cleo de Merode returned to Paris. She received many offers to dance again, but with the Comic Opera. This was considered the bottom of the dance chain in Paris. Embarrassed and outraged, she left immediately, moving to her place of birth, Biarritz, and never returning to Paris again. But she did not stop dancing. She continued to perform, through the Red Cross, for the wounded troops of World War I, wishing to uplift the spirits of those who defended her country. She remained in Biarritz, her hometown, until her death in 1966. Although Cleo de Mérode was never able to live down the rumors of the past, she remains, today, one of the most beautiful and talented women in the world.

Maude Fealy Posted by Picasa

Maud fealy Posted by Picasa

Maude Fealy Posted by Picasa

Monday, September 19, 2005

thinking

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.


I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me


And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.


Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


~~James Blunt, Goodbye My Lover
For listening,
click here

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Try

...

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try

Try

...

~nelly furtado, try

For music video,
click here


Leagan,
i have promised myself,
and for now i have to try...
no matter how much the odds are

Sunday, September 11, 2005

How can I carry on...

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream



How could this happen to me ...


~Simple Plan, Untitled


For MV,
click here

Save me

Had a bad day, don't talk to me,
gonna ride this out,
My little black heart, breaks apart,
with your big mouth.
And I'm sick of my sickness
Dont touch me, you'll get this.
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,
and you hate me.


You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,
And everything, everything's my fault.


Went to the doctor, and I asked her,
to make this stop.
Got medication, a new addiction,
Fucken thanks a lot.
Had to relapse, I'm outta rehab,
It ruined everything.
So point your finger, at the singer,
He's in the pharmacy.


You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call ,
and everything's my fault.


You can't save me,
You can't blame me,
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,
and everything, and everthing's my fault.


And I'm a death threat haven't slept yet,
Baby wide awake at dawn.
Helmet bad boy, tell the tabloids,
everything's my fault.


Whoa whoa yeah, write it write it,
Whoa whoa yeah, write it write it,
Whoa Whoa everthing's my fault,
everthing's my fault.

I went to heaven, couldn't get it,
For what I had done.
I said forsake me, you said you're crazy
you were too much fun.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call ,
and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't blame me,
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,
and everything,everthing's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
You can't save me,
You can't change me,
You can't save me,
You can't change me,(everthing's my fault)
You can't save me,
You can't change me,



Everything's my fault..


~Unwritten Law, Save me

For mv: click here

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to passs
even years has gone so fast
wake me up when september end

shere comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we areas my memory rests


but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends


ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends


here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends


~~Green Day, Wake Me Up When September Ends

For mv: click here

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The Ladder Theory

The ladder theory is a funny, scientific explanation of how men and womenare attracted to each other. It also covers such topics as why womensometimes just want to be friends but men always want sex. It is based uponmany years of sociological field testing, and was first conceptualized in1994 in Exeter, CA by Dallas Lynn with acknowledgements to Jared Whitson forhis role in formalizing the theory...

For reading the theory, click here

Sunday, August 28, 2005

You're Beautiful

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.



You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.


Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.


You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you


~ James Blunt, You're Beautiful


mv: Click here

Sunday, June 19, 2005

She

She
May be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay

She
May be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell

She
may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them
when they cry

She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years
Me I'll take her laughter and her tears

And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes
I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She
She, oh she

~~She, Elvis Costello



memories lasts,
dreams ends,
and death came upon.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Fragrance, again

La lettre à Leagan

So, maybe its better this way,
in a winding road; in the last days,
all I can do is running away,
search for something else afar,
unwind a broken dream in heart,
'cause nothing more can make you stay.

So, maybe its better this way,
another twist, another turn,
will make all of this go astray,
for no one believed I could succeed,
the lost, my dear, too painful to repeat,
'cause nothing more can make you stay.

So, maybe its better this way,
a moment of glance, a whisper of goodbye,
leave the dreams and make it fade,
for this memories are everything to me,
so let happiness may fate bring to thee,
'cause nothing more can make you stay.

~J.Wong, La lettre à Leagan










In another time, in another space,
maybe we can find a happier place

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Lyrics

When you're all alone
And you need a light
Someone to guide you
Through the night
Just remember that
I am here
To hold you close and
Dry your tears

And just when you thought
You were falling
But you know I'll always
Be right there

When you're all alone
And you need a friend
Someone to help you
To the end
When you need someone
To catch you when you fall
I'll be there through it all

'Cause just when you thought
You were losing
But you know
I'll always be right there

And I'll be there
Through the good times
And the bad
And we'll be there
For each other
'Cause you're the best friend
I've ever had

And just when you thought
You were falling
But you knowI'll always be right there

whenever you need me
I'll always be right there

~Michelle Branch, I'll Always Be Right there



stupid,
i dun really care if i won anything or not,
coz i have won a lot already
by having you as my friend.

this is the lyrics...hope you enjoyed the song that i've sent ya